Friday, June 04, 2004

I've re-written 'Follow On' to be more Reformed Donatistically Correct 

Okay...the meter's not exactly right but HEY my primary job is to battle heresy, not write poetry for a new hymnal (though we need a new hymnal--there are way to many Catholic-Loving-Romanist-Hangover-Heretical-Heritage-Bishop-Fulton-Sheen-Wannabe songs left in our current hymnal)!

But, I wrote it because I was inspired by the legendary apologetic activities of The Great White Shark. If he was Roman Catholic they would have made him a saint already Wait! What am I saying?!? How can I make these Romanist idol worshipping allusions? Well, you know what I mean--at least we're sure The Great White Shark is regenerate, unlike all those supposed saints of Romanism who spent their who lives preparing for the imaginary fires of purgatory! I'll give you one guess if they're facing real fire or not. But I digress. Back to the inspiration for this now pure and undefiled Reformed Donatist hymn. Look at what James White is up to--always on the attack, always exalting sola fide, always telling others how to believe in justification by faith alone so that they can be justified by faith alone. What a testimony to our Reformed Donatist faith!

Here's the New-and-Improved-No-Need-To-Test-for-Orthodoxy-Version-Since-I-Wrote-It. If it was heresy, you know some Romanist pig would make it sound orthodox. This version actually is orthodox and the fact that I wrote it is proof (after all, anything written on this web site comes from biblical exegesis that is completely unbiased and obvious to anyone with half a brain--so worry not my Reformed Donatist brothers)!

Follow On
With Sola Fide and James White I must go

Down in the Valley with Sola Fide I must go
Hacking heretics to death while the sweet violets grow
Trusting in my unstained and undefiled abstract faith
Where believing in Sola Fide is the way to grace

Follow Follow I will follow Sola Fide
Anywhere Everywhere I will follow on
Follow Follow I will follow James White
Anywhere he leads me I will follow on

Down in the valley, or upon the heretic's head
Doctrinally no further than where James White would tread
He will lead me safely in the path that He has trod
Up to where you know about Roman Catholic fraud

Follow Follow I will follow James White
Anywhere Everywhere I will follow on
Follow Follow I will follow James White
Anywhere he leads me I will follow on

Down in the valley or on the Tiber's side
When we show up you hear them all wail and cry
The Catholics take a dive and swim across the bank
Showing one and all that their theology is rank

Follow Follow I will follow Sola Fide
Anywhere Everywhere I will follow on
Follow Follow I will follow James White
Anywhere he leads me I will follow on

Down in Geneva where new heresy hides
'Reformed Catholic' thinking is merely Romanism refried
Calvin and Luther both would have had a heart attack
But James White will crush them and break the errant theology's back

"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of James White! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways!"
(Romans 11:33, New Rigorist-Separatist Version )

The Great White Shark, a testimony to Sola Fide, what else could have made him so undeniably wonderful? I mean, have you seen him cut heretics to pieces (let alone their 'theological views')? What an inspiration he is for us all! May the hymn bless you in your private individual devotional Reformed Donatist times during the week!

My library 

Stamping out heresy wherever it may be found is a difficult task. Even the King (James White, not Elvis--see this previous entry) himself gets overloaded every so often. I mean, look what happened when I went on my international heresy-find-the-Romanist-pigs-wherever-they-may-be-found-but-especially-in-Italy-hunt. I come back and WHAM! I see The Great White Shark, the Supermodel of Orthodoxy overloaded with a new group of Romanist-heresy-loving-truth-denying-satan-worshipping bunch called Reformed Catholics. As if it's not enough that our Great Defender of the Faith, the Crown Royale (no, that's not Scotch, you alcoholic, wine-bibbing pipe-smoking Chesterton wannabe's--it's a TITLE for the King of Apologetics) of apologetics ministry himself has to deal with Romanist pig idolators--now he has a whole new set of Catholics to deal with!

It's discouraging sometimes to see this much heresy around. That's why when I get discouraged I just take a look at the bookshelf above my computer--what do I see but the massive library of the man who invented 'rip and shred apologetics'. I've got a copy of every book he's ever written. Every volume, whether great or small, combats the wretched Romanist pig heresy (and other ungodly doctrines) in some way--and if the writing doesn't do the trick all you have to do is group about three or four of the books together and just use them as a club to beat some sense into those fools who just can't see the sacred pure undefiled biblical clear as day to anyone with half a brain truth of the matter. One of his books--The God Who Justifies--is thick enough (and is so packed with information by the way, reads like a textbook on steroids!) to use all by itself in this manner. Trust me, it works like a charm. There's nothing like bashing your opponent with the truth. It's what love is all about!

But these sniveling Reformed Catholics...

A whole new set of books will have to be written. That's alright though because I know that The Great White Shark is more than capable of tearing his teeth into this new form of Catholic Romanist pig wretchedness.

I'm going to do my part also and comment on this new breed of theological mutants (though my part will never compare to the exalted abilities of the King of 'in your face evangelism') so that everyone knows them for the blasphemous Romish-Papist-Mass-Indulgence-Purgatory-Mary-Worshipping-Lover heretics they clearly are.


Thursday, June 03, 2004

Mission Trip to Italy!!! 

Well, I've been gone as you can see. I've been busy overseas looking for heretics far and wide. You wouldn't believe how many heretics there are in Italy. Jackpot city for heresy. More heretics per square mile than Salt Lake City. Roman Catholics are everywhere there! Oh wait...that's where they get the "Roman" in Roman Catholic...I get it now. If only I had remembered that when crossing over the border into Italy.

As soon as I figured this out, I determined to do nothing but decry that illegitimate apostatizing entity called the Roman Catholic so-called Church! Down with her blasphemies! I can't tell you how tempted I was to rip down every statue in Italy. I even bought spray paint and a ladder to cover up that nefarious imagery found on the ceiling of the Sistene Chapel (that one almost got me arrested, so I decided I'd better stick to decrying heresy rather than eliminate idolatry monument by monument and statue by statue). Oh the freedom Thomas Muntzer had! I wanted to start a Peasants' Revolt here in Italy but all the peasants were Roman Catholic. Sniveling dogs that they are!

I went village by village (which is what has taken me so long to get back to my blog) preaching the pure and unstained Reformed Donatist Gospel, taught to me long ago by that wise sage--the Great White Shark himself--Dr. James White.

But, in my head, I could hear the theme to the Godfather playing. Every village I went to had a shrine or local Roman Catholic so-called Church parish in it. Everywhere I looked: heresy and heretics. I could see the evil eye of priests staring at me, wondering why I'd put myself in danger. Why go against the "Holy (yeah, you have GOT to be kidding me) Father. After all, Sicily and Italy are so close together the connection between the mafia and the Roman Catholic so-called Church is just undeniable. Just because the current pope is from Poland doesn't mean he's not a made man. The connection between the title "Godfather" and "Pope" is just too close to think anything other than the obvious--that the mafia and the Roman Catholic so-called Church are one and the same entity. Satan's playthings, no doubt!

There weren't any converts from heresy made on my trip, but that's okay since they're all obviously reprobate anyway. I preach judgement, not love. Love is only important in regards to judgement and truth. Aside from that it's completely meaningless. Most of the time taken up in what would have been figuring out if the not-quite-out-of-the-pits-of-hell heretics had adequately professed faith in Christ was actually spent arguing with the local constables about disturbing the peace.

Frankly, I'm glad to be back here in the United States of America. While we have our own set of heresy-loving-hateful-spouting-hungry-for-falsehood Roman Catholic reject reprobates here that myself and the Great White Shark deal with every day--it's nothing like it is in Italy where a person can be born, live their wretched God-forsaken life, and die in the pains of hell because they've obviously denied the Reformed Donatist Gospel all their life even though few of them have actually heard it spelled out as well as myself would do for them were I able to speak to them. After all, believing in Jesus Christ isn't enough--we must be pure in everything. Our doctrine especially. No sola fide, no eternal life. It's that simple.

Thanks for your prayers (at least from you orthodox Reformed Donatists, you Catholic-lovers can just look at the ceiling and down to the floor to see where your prayers go!) while I was gone. I do plan a return trip but this time I hope to take the Great White Shark with me because there is a lot of heretical meat left in Italy that I know he can't wait to sink his teeth into.

Friday, January 23, 2004

So many heretics, so little time 

Whew! Been so busy over the last few days fighting nasty compromisers that I've neglected this journal of my heroic Donatist crusade.

Plus, I'm starting to feel kinda too pure even for myself. Ah, the burdens of rigorism.

Monday, January 19, 2004

Sittin' on the Porch with the REAL Crocodile Hunter 

In this here swamp land of heresy known as the Internet, myself and Dr. White, better known as The Great White Shark or here down South where the heresy gators roam freely...the Crocodile Hunter...that's what we call him--and unlike that counterfeit from down under the REAL Crocodile Hunter actually HUNTS and KILLS his prey.

The Crocodile Hunter and I, we sit in creaky chairs, rockin' back and forth on our porch chewin' on our sola fide tobacco and drinking up some of our prime propositional moonshine, 12 gauge apologetic shotguns filled with loads of Bible buckshot--waitin' all day long fer something or someone to shoot at, like our hillbilly snake-handling dearly departed anabaptist relatives of old (Switzerland isn't the only place where they have mountains...have you never heard of the Ozarks?). Yep, we wait and then shoot at anything that moves.

Don't ya dare come calling without lettin us know way ahead o' time that you'se a comin. Yer likely to get filled with biblical buckshot. We've had friends--at least wesa thought they was friends--who merely mention the name of N.T. Wright and BAM! Shot em dead. Right their on da spot.

It doesn't matter if it's a cockroach of a heretic that comes up in our sights. As long as a bullet of orthodoxy can hit it. BAM! Shot em dead.

Take our little internet covenantalist sacralist heresy monger Tim Enloe. We've been paying extra careful attention to his blog lately, because he just keeps blowing fuses over every little fully biblical thing we say about the Gospel. He's really losing it, we fear. It's our duty to warn the world about him and his compromises of the Gospel. He's not really much bigger to us than a squirrel--after all, he's just an undergraduate student that seems to have a penchant for really long posts that are hard to respond to because you have to have more than a fifth grade education to read what he says...which is why I let the Crocodile Hunter, who has a Ph.D, do the shooting on that one.

Well, on our porch today we can see Tim "TGE the sacralist Roman pig" Enloe from the distance...he's left his latest spewage of swamp filth heresy on his blog...he's frozen still (little varmint probably thinks we're about to get him--he's right!) waiting, watching.

As soon as he moves, we'll have him.

Either that, or we'll quash him and other little varmints on the Dividing Line...well, at least Mr. Croc will...I'm much too unimportant to be present with him there. I'll just stay on the porch and skin the kill.

As I was contemplating deep thoughts (some are below) and ruminating on the grand design of the universe while sitting on the porch ever watchful ever vigilant, I wondered to myself...

Why do we feel compelled to deal with each and every little heretical varmint (even those who are not really heretical, just plain wrong) no matter how small, insignificant or unimportant they may seem to be in light of Christ's command to defend the faith?

And then, the answer hit me as I took the last long swig of my prime propositional moonshine. The first answer was downright practical. If we didn't pay attention to each and every little teeny tiny thing that moves in front of our porch of orthodoxy, we wouldn't have much else to do! We'd be flat bored.

But, then, as I took another between cheek and gum--and as Mr. Croc Hunter did the same--it was almost like a revelation. I could have been Joseph Smith seeing that great light in the forest...except I was on my porch [oh wait...as if it's not enough that I've been using literary allusions from Romanist pigs...now I must do it from the Mormons too--oh wait...I forgot...Mormon baptism, Roman Baptism--it's all the same--it's all heresy--OH the swamp that we live in, what shall we ever do!).

Where was I?!?

Oh yeah...my second reason for why we attack everyone indiscriminately whether they deserve it or not: It's the truth, silly.

Nothing is more important than the truth. Not people's ideas about the Bible, people's reputations, people's understanding of salvation, people's silly thinking any differently than we Reformed Donatists do...Nothing is more important than the truth.

I know, I know, Paul said that charity was of utmost importance, but without the truth what is charity?!? What is love if it is not truth?!?

If people can't handle the truth, they deserve to get shot.

Which is why The Great White Shark the REAL heresy hunter Dr. James White and I are sittin on the porch in the middle of this swamp land of heresy known as the Internet with our prime propositional moonshine and our sola fide chewin tobacco, shotguns ready, fingers on the trigger.

Don't worry about us, though, we'll be broadcasting on Monday at 5pm--a special Dividing Line. Instead of dealing with the normal gators (such as Romanist pigs, Triple 'SSS' Presbyterians, Mormon cultists, and JW proselytizers), we'll be handling the squirrels, the cockroaches, and the mosquitoes of heresy. After all, if somebody wasn't in to pest control who in the world could sit out on their porch and drink their prime propositional moonshine anyway?

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